Conflicted

Happy Friday, Beautiful People.

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Third Ward, MKE.

 Mason had a sleepover with his Munka and Bumpa last night. When Jeremy got home from work he, Charmaine, and I stopped at Gille’s Custard Stand and ordered all the fried things. We spent the night playing Betrayal at House on the Hill  with Jason. We have all recently gotten into playing unique board games, such as Tokaido, Oddville, and Exploding Kittens. It’s very possible that these games could be played all night long if you let it happen. It is quite imperative that I get back on something that even slightly resembles a sleep schedule, because while I used to think that 9pm was late, I can’t make myself go to sleep before midnight lately. Of course, Mason still wakes up at the same time every morning, therefore I am tired all. The. Time. Even without a full time job, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day for everything I want to accomplish. Sigh.

I headed to the Third Ward this morning for coffee and retail therapy (ahemm…Anthropologie). I continue to go back and forth on the job front; on one hand, I miss all of the social aspects that go along with a full time job: the coworkers who quickly become friends, the nights out, the camaraderie. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying this unplanned time off. I am very thankful for all of the extra time I am spending with Mason, and learning more about who I am as an individual, but there are good days and there are bad days, as with anything in life. Sometimes, I can’t believe how much work consumed me, and other days I sit in my living room with cold coffee wishing I could bash my head against a wall and scream at the top of my lungs because Mason doesn’t know how to talk or play at a decibel any lower than elephant stampede. As with everything else I contemplate publicly in this blog, I don’t want to sugar coat it. I am not a very good stay-at-home-mom. I don’t have that kind of patience. I’m too antsy and energetic. I am a worker. I need the self-gratification that success in the workplace brings. I am hoping that when classes begin in 2 weeks, I will have a similar satisfaction.

I have submitted my resume to a few different companies with job openings that fit what I would be looking for, but every time I end up sitting back and questioning if I would even be happy in that position. You guys, I am genuinely going insane. I actually googled “Should I be a doctor” because I had a physical earlier this week and my doctor is so upbeat and happy, and her attitude is contagious. Of course, after reading one article I quickly came back down to Earth. HELL NO, I don’t want to be a doctor. I like to help people, but it takes a certain kind of heart to DEDICATE their lives to helping people. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I don’t think I am capable of that. Again, just being honest.

So what am I capable of? I like to create and be a leader and communicate and be the center of attention. I think I would shrivel up and die if I was put behind a desk for 8 hours a day. What can I do that would make me happy? Not sure that the answer will be easily found. I would love nothing more than to open an antique shop (it has been my dream for years), but it is simply not feasible in this stage of life to do so. Or perhaps it’s that I simply lack the faith it takes to make it a reality. I suppose that is something that no one but myself can decide.

Well, here we are at the end of another work week. I hope you all have a splendid Friday night!

xo

A Series of Unfortunate Events

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This is the slightly more positive version of how I have been feeling lately. I am the Baudelaire Orphans and Life is Count Olaf, here to abduct me, kill me, and seize all my money (ok, not really, but you get the point).

I loved A Series of Unfortunate Events. Though slightly morbid, confusing, and a bit frightening, each book was more intriguing than the last. I can’t help but relate this to myself at the moment. Everything is up in the air, and I feel like I have to be one step ahead of Count Olaf. 2015 was a rough year, but the New Year holds more intrigue in it than usual for me, which is ironic considering how difficult the second half of 2015 proved to be. As Lemony Snicket put it: “In this book, not only is there no happy ending, there is no happy beginning and very few happy things in the middle.” 

2015 in a nutshell.

It’s easy for me to sit back and say “Everything happens for a reason,” when the reason has already manifested itself. It’s harder to believe when you’re in the thick of figuring it all out and there seems to be no logical reason whatsoever. I have been staying positive, and I like to think that life is as good as you make it, but I have to wonder how much of it is completely out of my control. And thus completely useless to worry about.

I need to leave the past in the past. The unfortunate events that may happen to me do not define me, but how I choose to react does. What is seemingly a series of unfortunate events are indeed the first steps of a journey.

A journey in which I discover what I’m made of.

xo