Conflicted

Happy Friday, Beautiful People.

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Third Ward, MKE.

 Mason had a sleepover with his Munka and Bumpa last night. When Jeremy got home from work he, Charmaine, and I stopped at Gille’s Custard Stand and ordered all the fried things. We spent the night playing Betrayal at House on the Hill  with Jason. We have all recently gotten into playing unique board games, such as Tokaido, Oddville, and Exploding Kittens. It’s very possible that these games could be played all night long if you let it happen. It is quite imperative that I get back on something that even slightly resembles a sleep schedule, because while I used to think that 9pm was late, I can’t make myself go to sleep before midnight lately. Of course, Mason still wakes up at the same time every morning, therefore I am tired all. The. Time. Even without a full time job, there do not seem to be enough hours in the day for everything I want to accomplish. Sigh.

I headed to the Third Ward this morning for coffee and retail therapy (ahemm…Anthropologie). I continue to go back and forth on the job front; on one hand, I miss all of the social aspects that go along with a full time job: the coworkers who quickly become friends, the nights out, the camaraderie. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying this unplanned time off. I am very thankful for all of the extra time I am spending with Mason, and learning more about who I am as an individual, but there are good days and there are bad days, as with anything in life. Sometimes, I can’t believe how much work consumed me, and other days I sit in my living room with cold coffee wishing I could bash my head against a wall and scream at the top of my lungs because Mason doesn’t know how to talk or play at a decibel any lower than elephant stampede. As with everything else I contemplate publicly in this blog, I don’t want to sugar coat it. I am not a very good stay-at-home-mom. I don’t have that kind of patience. I’m too antsy and energetic. I am a worker. I need the self-gratification that success in the workplace brings. I am hoping that when classes begin in 2 weeks, I will have a similar satisfaction.

I have submitted my resume to a few different companies with job openings that fit what I would be looking for, but every time I end up sitting back and questioning if I would even be happy in that position. You guys, I am genuinely going insane. I actually googled “Should I be a doctor” because I had a physical earlier this week and my doctor is so upbeat and happy, and her attitude is contagious. Of course, after reading one article I quickly came back down to Earth. HELL NO, I don’t want to be a doctor. I like to help people, but it takes a certain kind of heart to DEDICATE their lives to helping people. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that I don’t think I am capable of that. Again, just being honest.

So what am I capable of? I like to create and be a leader and communicate and be the center of attention. I think I would shrivel up and die if I was put behind a desk for 8 hours a day. What can I do that would make me happy? Not sure that the answer will be easily found. I would love nothing more than to open an antique shop (it has been my dream for years), but it is simply not feasible in this stage of life to do so. Or perhaps it’s that I simply lack the faith it takes to make it a reality. I suppose that is something that no one but myself can decide.

Well, here we are at the end of another work week. I hope you all have a splendid Friday night!

xo

Transitioning

Good Morning and Happy Tuesday!

I must have a faulty phone. I slept right through the alarm that would have woken me to get Mason ready for school. One would not think that such a small person would be such an enormous monster in the morning. He is worse of a morning person than me (ok, not really.)!  Anyway, I opened one eye and peeked at the time. 7:39 am.

Shit.

So, knowing how insanely difficult it is to get this little boy out of bed, I had to make a game out of it. I burst into his room and said, “Oh, no! We are so late today. Let’s see how fast you can go potty, brush your teeth, and put your uniform on! And….. go!”. He was not impressed.

Double Shit.

We managed to make it to St. John’s by 8:02 am. Poor kid. Stupid faulty phone (though if for some reason the phone is not faulty and it’s more of a user error *wink wink*, I may need to consider purchasing an ACTUAL alarm clock; one that is so loud that I can’t possibly sleep through it. Work had my internal body clock down to a science. I am all out of whack now.). I am grateful that Jeremy and I paid for Mason’s tuition in advance because even though I am technically a stay-at-home-mom now, he quickly missed the camaraderie of his fellow littles on the days I kept him home with me. I don’t know if we would have been able to send him had we not already taken care of the financial aspect. See, there it is! The bright side.

Jer and I took on some projects over the weekend. The handle that adjusts the water temperature in our bathtub wasn’t turning as far as it should, and so upon futzing with it, Jer managed to also discover that there were some broken pipes, and other parts that would need to be replaced. Our resident handyman, Dave (Grandpa/Father-in-law extraordinaire), was quick to assist Jer in replacing all of the faulty parts, though it ended up taking the entire weekend because as I am learning, home projects are always more involved than they seem. The only time they needed me was to choose a new showerhead and hardware, which made me happy because I get way too excited when it comes to replacing older things in our home with more modern, sleeker pieces.

While that was happening, Mason spent a good portion of the weekend with Aiden, and I hauled boxes containing my Etsy and Ebay inventory from the basement to my upstairs office. More and more I am seeing how my full time career literally ruled my life: the items were still neatly packed into the boxes they were in when we moved from Greendale, which was a year and a half ago. A year and a half since I put any time or effort into my antiques.

What a shame.

The lighting was perfect on Saturday, so I was able to get good listing photos of all of the items. It felt so amazing to be productive! Being that Mason is at preschool for 3 hours 3 days out of the week, I will dedicate those hours to curating my shops, and this blog (which I currently view as more of an online journal for the world to see.. lucky you! 😉

This brings me to another thought: when I first started this blog, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to make out of it. It really is a place for me to air out my thoughts and epiphany’s, but I want to create more of a structured theme to it as well.

What do people want to read? What interests them? What keeps them engaged? How can I grow my readership? I want more than anything to bring a smile to people’s faces with my writing. I have toyed with the idea of tying a theme to each of the days that I write, for example: Tuesday’s Thoughts (perhaps something I learned or reflected on that week). Some other ideas I had were to post a weekly list of links to things that I found funny/interesting/chic online that week. I wanted to dedicate a weekly post to listing the things that made me smile that week (Saturdays?).

I am turning to you for other ideas! What would YOU like to read?

xo

 

 

We Call Him Mason

10:06am. March 9th 2012. My life changed forever.

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It was not a moment of intense joy. It wasn’t one of excitement. There were so many emotions coursing through my body, but I would say that the most prevailing were ones of nervousness. A nurse folded my freshly squeezed (haha) baby into a blanket and plopped him into my arms. I remember staring at him, and wondering if I was supposed to feel an overwhelming love for him. I was intrigued by his little nose and lips. The nurse handed me the tiniest bottle you ever did see, and I was afraid to even put it into his mouth. Was I supposed to be afraid of this itty bitty life in my arms? All I had to do was to make him not die, right?

People are not bullshitting you when they tell you will be more exhausted than you have ever been in your entire life. They are not joking when they say you will feel more emotions than you ever knew you had. They weren’t lying when they promised you would be grateful for help from family and friends, even if all that meant was rocking the babe to sleep while you washed sweat and tears out of your hair and brushed your teeth.

I remember mixing formula with warm water from the upstairs bathroom sink at 3am because I was too tired to even put glasses on my face to go downstairs to warm up water. I remember waking up crying in the middle of the night because I was sure he was not comfortable or warm enough in his little cocoon. I remember being afraid to be left alone with him when Jer went back to work after 10 days that felt like it had only been 10 minutes. They certainly weren’t kidding when they said your whole life would change.

And then it gets easier, just like they all promised.

I remember the first time he slept for 6 hours straight. I felt like I could literally take on the world. I remember how much he enjoyed spending time outside with me when it warmed up, and how taking him for walks in his stroller calmed me. I remember when he was finally able to support his own head- what a relief!! I remember looking back one day and wondering when the hell I became a natural at all this.

I know that 3 years is not a very long time. But I absolutely cannot imagine my life without Mason in it. I don’t even remember what I did with all that free time I had… drink, travel, sleep all day, party all night, spend money mindlessly, do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, you know. I had the world in the palm of my hands, but I would not wish it all back if I could not have Mason. I wouldn’t change a thing. Not when he is peeing on the floor, or splashing through mud, or coloring on the wall, or pulling Lola’s tail, or throwing the monster of all temper tantrums. And not when he plays with my hair, or asks to make puzzles, or play with play-doh, or brushes my cheek with his hand, or snuggles up for nightly storytime, or sings “You are my Sunshine”.

So even though “that moment” was not one of a profound joy, even though I was scared and nervous and unsure of what I was actually doing, it was the best moment of my life, because it was the beginning of one of my most important roles in this lifetime: the role of Mommy.

I love you Mason Thomas. How very blessed I am to be your Mommy. 

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The Hallway Light is Off

Oh, Friday, where have you been all my life?! This was a very long week, physically and emotionally. It can’t be all sunshine and rainbows every week, after all!

This is a weird Friday for me because Jeremy and Mason are at the MKE Auto Show. It’s a tradition Jer and I have had since we started dating. I opted to stay home to try to get rid of a headache. What is most perplexing to me is how I have a few hours to myself- completely alone- and I have no idea how to fill my time. I tried to relax but I feel anxious like I should be accomplishing something. I turned off most of the lights (including the one in the hallway that Mason will not allow me to turn off-ever), and stretched out on the couch with a book but I am restless.

So instead I got up and cleaned Mason’s room: books, cars, trucks, puzzle pieces, and every. single. lego.

This is Mommyhood. And that’s just fine with me.

xo

I fed my kid Wendy’s last night.

There is a delicate balance to juggling mommyhood and professional businesswoman-dom. I give mad kudos to all the rockstar mommy’s out there that have mastered this art. I am finding that each day I feel a little more experienced, a little more like maybe I have it all together and figured out.

There are also days where all I can think about, even after Mason is tucked away safely in his bed, is the guilt that settles in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could say that the guilt is one-sided, but unfortunately, it is multi-faceted. I feel guilty that I have to shut the door behind me every morning, leaving him on the other side. I feel guilty that I’m not there to make him eggs and a freshly blended smoothie for breakfast (because after all this is what Pinterest and other social media sites tell us we should be doing, right?). I feel guilty that some nights, I’m not able to pick him up on time, and by the time I get to him, it’s time for bed and I don’t get to be “Fun Mommy”, I just have to be “Let’s Put Your Jammies On, Read Some Books, and Brush Your Teeth Before Jumping Into Bed” Mommy. I am not sure what goes through his little head. Does he think that I’m late because I don’t want to see him and have fun? Does he resent me for handing him off each day? I take heart in the fact that I don’t remember a single thing about being two, but my mom didn’t work. I had her at my disposal every day. I don’t remember anything about that either, so maybe it is an invalid argument.

All I know is that we working mommy’s have our work cut out for us: we have to strap on our big girl panties each morning and tackle life in the workplace, while making sure that our children do not feel as if they are of less importance to us. I don’t like to admit that I can’t count on two hands the amount of times Mason has grabbed the edge of my shirt or purse and plead with me to not leave. He says heartbreaking things like “He doesn’t like Mommy’s work” or “Mason stay with Mommy” or “Mason stay at Mommy’s house.” I beat myself up when this happens. Maybe I should be more forgiving with myself.

Regardless, it’s a balance I struggle with daily. Am I thankful for my job? Yes. Am I blessed immensely? Indeed. Do I have a bad-ass support system? MOST DEFINITELY! I would do well to focus on these things instead of my negative feelings. One day Mason will be old enough to understand that everything I do is for him, that I work as hard as I do to ensure that he has everything he needs, as well as everything his little heart desires. And when that day comes, I’m willing to bet that I will wish I hadn’t been so hard on myself.

So. Sweeping declaration: Hey, you! Yes, you!! The Mommy who puts in 5 extra hours in the work week so that she can make sure ends are met, you are not doing the wrong thing! And you! The Mommy who beats herself up for plopping her little one’s butt on the closed toilet lid with an iPad and applies makeup and does her hair for a half hour instead of busting out the markers and spending the morning doing “bonding” things with your child, it is ok!! (Not speaking from experience or anything). And even you! Yes you, Mommy who ran an hour late picking your kid up, please do not feel as though you are a negligent parent for being so exhausted, all you could do was waltz on through the drive-thru of the nearest Wendy’s instead of going home to whip up some broccoli and grilled chicken. You are doing the very best you can! And the little one in the backseat loves you very much. He is happy. Promise.

~ Rachel